One year

Yesterday was the twins' first birthday. I got so stressed about it in the days leading up to it that I was having constant Braxton-Hicks contractions. Luckily, they were not changing my bum cervix, but they're not nice to have either. If you've ever tried them, they feel like someone is doing abs for you: your whole abdomen gets tights and you get slightly out of breath. Try doing that once every 8 minutes!
The waterworks started on the eve of their birthday. I didn't want it to be already a year. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it seems like it was yesterday. I can't believe I'm still standing and that my marriage is stronger than ever. I never thought i could live without them, yet here I am. My babies have shown me so many beautiful things in this world, through my tears. They are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. The grief is still there, lurking in the background. I know it will never go away, but I know how to let it wash over me when it comes. Their Dad and I think of them every day. We miss them every minute of our lives and they are a part of us forever. But they have sent us a new life, kicking and swooshing inside me (yes, babies swoosh) and this gives us hope. There might be a future after all...

On the medical side, things are absolutely great. Wait, is that going to jinx it? Ok, let's say things are good, so far - knock on wood. Mr. Cervix is behaving, at 3.8cm despite this week's contractions and guess what Dr. G. said?! When I asked him how often he wanted to see me from now on, he replied that he would see me every week until 38 weeks. He actually thinks I can get to 38 weeks!!! Wooohoooo! Oh, and things get better: he already told me that I would be off bedrest at 34 weeks, in just 8 weeks. Thank God for that, because my veins are popping on my hips, my back is killing me and my legs are hurting all the time. The usual joys of bedrest. Really need to get that massage this week or come 34 weeks, I won't even be able to stand up anymore.